I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
