Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
as a side note pls kill me
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