remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize