she was so not down for the gang bang
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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