What a fucking waste of an outfit
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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