I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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