You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
this will be a night to untag.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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