I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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