Can Purell be used as lube?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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