I'm going to jail i love you
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
