He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
