I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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