just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Randomize
