Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
