im about as happy as oj after his trial
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
