saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
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