The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
