I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize