Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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