im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Randomize
