its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Randomize
