I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
