wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I am midnight drunk by noon
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
