i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
you inspire me to be a worse person
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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