i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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