Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
