my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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