They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
