I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize