i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
