Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
