My sheets look like a crime scene.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Randomize
