see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize