Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
