my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
