I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
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