he shaved USA in his pubs
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize