I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
We need to get me chipped asap
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