Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
As shirtless as possible
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
