don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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