Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
God, I missed his penis.
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