They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
