Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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