you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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