Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
