When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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