she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize