Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Randomize
