barbara walters just said penis...
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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