this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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