Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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