I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
