i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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