Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
