I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
