I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize