you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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