i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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