you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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