We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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