Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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