no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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