my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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