oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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