Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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