so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize