he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize