Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
