Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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