I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Randomize
