I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
