I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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